i have said what i need to say. what unhappy things i felt.

i wanted to be selfish .. and yes.. this time round i am sick of all the giving in and acting quiet like my fault.

for every unhappy things that is going to happen. i am so going to voice it all out.

love me for the way i am. yes.

Imperfection is Beauty,Madness is Genius

i think this is so right.

2 thumbs up! =)

pardon me for the long previous post. is was just a space for me to vent.

anyway. i meant what i said in the previous post. so i decided not to give in and keep quiet anymore. so yesterday my boy and me had a nasty argument again that i told myself that the last time i m giving in.

is pushing me to a dead end.

and the worst is..

i m damn piss off.. cos my pay is not in yet this mth.

fcuk it.

be prepared long post- rantings

if you are going to be reading this post. be prepared. warning. long ranting posts.

back at my work desk today. work non-stop from 830 till 540pm. kind of tiring cos really strain my eye and at times i got to go back search for my past cases. which is annoying.

sometimes i wonder what could people do to make relationships better. is never a way to make it better cos humans are always taking things for granted. and also becoming more greedy than before.

everytime i force myself to swallow down the 2 words whenever a negative discussions was held. cos every single time there is one discussion like that, i knew this was nothing i want from a relationship. trying to force myself to be as rationale and calm as i could, i always reminded myself. no matter who ever say sth to me which is unpleasant.. i got to stay cool and shut my mouth up before i say sth which is going to kill people. at times.. i felt really

yet sometimes once words are said out.. they are too late to take back. so i reminded myself of it always.

i wonder how many more times i could swallow the words down.

the words said before the relationship seems to be all not true now. and i wonder why? is it true humans tend to say nice things then after that pretend that never said it before. then 90% of the humans in the world are really good actors.. ok.

i do feel every single word he said to me now is a block of pressure to me. and the blocks just add everyday. despite it might be a very warm message. yet it still add up to a block of pressure. cos i know every word he says.. is how insecure he is feeling now. which in turns means i need to do even more. however.. i have already put in 100% of effort i could.

you know sometimes.. you have no one to turn to and share all this words.. and only you could do it to your blog. how angonizing it is.. cos i start to drift away from many friends since the beginning of the relationship. i know sacrifices gt to be make in the relationship and despite how much i refuse.. yet i still do it. i am not regretting it.. but i do feel disappointed. there is just the remaining good pals i could turn to.. but it seems to be still nt enough for him.

sometimes i am grateful to have a few good pals asking me whats wrong.

i hate lying. so even if i am going to club and he dislikes me doing it. i still tell him i am doing. i am never going to change myself anymore. my limitations are up to here. i have done far more than i expected myself to be doing. you can call me as a selfish girl.. but i tell you what. relationship is about loving the person for who he or she is.. ok.

am i so hard for a guy to get security from. whereby. i did what i could. calling messaging caring everyday. forcing myself to ans the damn bloody hell call when i am asleep. giving up my dance classes and meeting him up resulting in me back date for lesson 1 mth. yet he complains i m not meeting him. seriously tell me what can i do. when both of us working. and he has his own bloody hell training. and weekends claiming he leave the time for me.

but weekend i am the busiest. i have dance lessons which i miss for a mth. then gatherings bdays which i miss. to be honest. every sat we meet. and even if i feel sick. i force myself to meet whenever he make a slight grumble.

i keep telling myself.. perhaps i m not a gd gf.. i admit. but i tell you sth.. i m not a bad gf as well. ok.

now the worst case.. 10 hrs of dance classes to make up this mth. fcuking shit.. tell me where am i going to dig 10 hrs out and accomodate all my dancers time. shit work now. and then you tell ur bf this finally.. hoping he be more understanding.. and yes he did.. then he tell you this suddenly today.. he feel empty cos last week till now never meet. fcuk la.. tell me what to do. there 2 days ago he say let me clear 10 hrs. now he say diff thing.

working till 6pm daily makes him unhappy. sometimes i feel he is the gf and i m the bf. ok. i believe not meeting yet on the phone knowing where i stand in his heart is enough. but but but.. why can’t guys be more mature.. ok. i know. he is 19 only. yonger than me by 2 yrs. how i expect him to be more mature in thinking.seriously i know he doesn’t want to tire me out but which job doesn’t work till 6pm.. despite is only a temp staff.he thinks is shift work man!

then when he is angry with his own matters he call and talk to me super unhappy. clever me.. try to keep quiet then console.. and there is complains i dunno anything la. shit again. then when he is angry with me.. he say he need time alone and hang up.. then again like my fault.. he message me and after 10 messages ok again. sometimes i dunno what he wants.. worst thing is i can’t take it when he tell me msg him when i feel like. like i nv cherish him.

then when i say i want to go overseas in dec.. beginning of the relationship he is pretty ok.. then now when i bring it up again. he makes all sorts of grumbles.. saying this and that. and worst case.. i want to vist my papa..

i tell myself from today. after all this grumble. i am going to be back to the same old self. why nt u call me first. instead i did it. i can’t take it anymore. and if i m going to sleep. i shall silent my phone. if i pick up.. lucky.. if i dun too bad. cos i really need to sleep when i wake up at 7am daily.

i dun want to change. thats what i coud say.

Imperfection is Beauty,Madness is GeniusI’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.
But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

“i ain’t perfect & i love being who i am now.”

thank you for listening to my grumbles. i love you my space.

ps. i m not emo while typing this. i am pretty happy. no worries. i just felt i wanted to be more real about my feelings. so i type this out.

god bless ciaos.

and damn. rain again. is giving me headache whenever rains continues for days..

if you are thinking why am i posting something at 12pm.. then again you might be right!

cos i am on MC today. fcuking eye is red again.. have no idea but it keeps getting red.

stop wearing contacts but still red. so contacts is not the main prob i guess.

it gt me alot of patience last night. i really felt that i grew up.. mature alot. cos i nearly gave up last night. perhaps i was too tired.. or too sick.. that everything i heard was just rubbish thats why i gt fed up..

anyway. i am not going to let it rest too.. i felt that my previous post is absolutely right. keeping quiet is not equal to i agree to everything u said. and pls do not take me for granted.

i need to get out of the comfort area and be back into my usual self soon.

i can’t take it when people thinks that i shut up = to me being easy to bully.

shut up doesn’t mean i agree with what you guys say ok. i might be unreasonable at times but that depends on what matters. at times i keep quiet cos i feel that i am sick of repeating myself or explaining what happen or even account to what has happen.. if you think u’re right .. fine ok.. do it your way.

sometimes i find it a waste of time to talk to people like that whom they think that they are better..

these people are then the real losers!! lack of confidence.

prob you think i am stuck up now! ok. be with. i don’t care about what people comments are to me. cos i hear more negative comments abt me than positive always. not used to it. just that they dun bother me. why bother about things people say when they are true abt u.. kind of retard.

these people that says the cruel comments are people that don’t know u well at all. anyway. who care abt them. karma!

depends on my mood or whether i feel like in answering back at times. sometimes friends that argue with me.. i know their personality too well.. so i my as well shut up cos i choose friendship over argument. shut up doesn’t mean i lose or i think i’m wrong. is just different people has different views.. so my last words to the discussion would always be this.

if you’re a real friend of mine.. when i say this meaning i take a step back.. so prob all my friends real good nice pals always take steps back when we know we can’t agree on each other pts.. useless to argue when there is no right or wrong.. as long as we know what each other thinks abt the matters can already. why bother right or wrong? isn’t it.

however i think i m quite nice recently.

that people are taking for granted who i am.

so i m leaving the comfort area.. showing the real meanie self of me.. telling you to fcuk off.

and don’t piss me off.

booo.. hahahahaah

Nothing interesting.

my blog seem quite dead now. i realize!

met up with my brother last night.

2 weeks of confinment in army. finally we met..

then we chill..

and for one thing. my brother knows me the best!

one thing that is keeping me on thinking canonly be that thing.
one thing that is keeping me staying is cos of it

and i start to give up soon!

which is so not good sign ok!

and ps. i am sick.. damn shit

another quarrel with bf last night

pretty unhappy cos i find no reason for it.. and i gt damn piss off..

so i ask him u want to talk like that is it.. then i my as well keep quiet or hang up.. and he say ok..

and bye i hang up.

the whole pt start when he is still unhappy with me extending contract when he feels that i dun like my work..

true i complain abt work but doesn’t mean we don’t like it.. correct.. who doesn’t complain abt everything yet still love it. come on if one day i complain abt him then meaning i dun like him. rubbish isn’t it. !!

and worst the whole quarrel he claim why a temp staff have to OT. like fcuk.. i choose not to answer back cos i dun want a heated argument and he just goes on n on.. till i get piss and hang up..

and 2am.. i received a sorry..

like fcuk..

i was kind of irritated.. thats why i see no pt in hanging on at times.. the day of giving up draws nearer to me each time sth stupid like that happen..

anyway..

i was thinking.. i miss the good old party days..

drinking nobody business.. dancing like my legs are gona break the next day..

really!! miss them.

so wait till dec.. parties are going to be backk.. trust me.. they will.. cos i mean what i say.

lol

i deleted my previous post hahaha.

on the way home from work.. suddenly i dunno what made me have this thinking.. just trigger my thoughts. i should be very happy with what i have.. everything.

yet i realize i wasn’t really happy abt it.. not say sad over it.. but just dun have the kind of excitment or what. does it mean they isn’t the things i want?

work was kind of retard now when we shifted back to our main office… did i mention.. i was working as a normal staff handling normal cpf oe work?? i felt that this sort of ” promotion” i din feel really happy about it. kind of stress up. i really thank the guys who keep helping me always.. my 3 seniors. they really try to help me crack joke with me.. lighten my atmosphere.. cos they know i feel stress up with the responsibility i have now. what more can i ask for. i am really pamper at work. ok.

something gt me haywire last night that i just bomb bf everything out abt what happen. and defintely we have different views.. sometimes is really sickening cos everything he says seem so right but yet i agree with wad i say as well.. however our views can’t match. and after which i told him abt things i really dunno why will i say out too. i know is going to hit and emo him cos i told him abt what i think of the current relationship esp after the few weeks of negative discussions we have.. i told him how much i dislike receiving such messages.. how soon it might be a day i give up and not give in anymore! see something big wrong with me right!!

hahahaha! then i went to bed happily..

and friday OT.. damn shitty. fcuk it

some times

sometimes i really think relationship is kind of a problematic thing for people.

there will be no way to make the other side happy despite how much you try. the more you try to more results people want from you next time.

i alway try to stand in the middle whenever any of my besties relationship start to ring.. cos i always believe both has fault in a quarrel. yet one time when i am really so not normal is today! i actually took a standing on a side which i dun normally do. and now i know the whole trouble starts coming..

my irritating phone ring non stop at work.. the messages are coming in non stop.. till i kind of get sick of it. my work load is crazy cos of 2 days leave.. and 2 days of weekend.. so can u imagine i m doing 4 days of work at one go to be done today!! then my bestie ring me up.. so i try to ans.. and the next moment everything starts..

know what.. i totally agree one thing.

why bfs can go club and their gfs can’t.. ok.. they claim we can.. but when we get together and we say go club.. you see that sickening black face coming out.. or sometimes u hear threats or nasty comments! like threaten to break up.. or ok. enjoy! that sort of showing 100% unhappy in their replies..

if guys are really that capable.. then pls keep your gf at home 24/7.. don’t let her go out work study.. simple and easy.

if bfs can go club.. then why gfs can’t..
if bfs don’t want club then is their prob.. .they can’t stop their gfs..
if the gfs seldom clubs then the bfs shd be thankful instead.

if bfs can go club and dance with some bitch.. then why can’t gf dance with another guy.

i really hate it when i hear guys complaining saying they are guys wad.. ya.. so wad.

i hate it when ppl use me as an example. saying how good i am cos i know what i does in club and this bull shit. cos these ppl don’t know me well.. and stop using me to tell my gfs off.. cos it kind of lame shit to us.!

no matter how many goods the girls does.. they don’t see.. then how many bads we does.. all they do is count them and remember them nicely.

then when we want to meet our friends.. all they say is we neglect them. and the all damn shit thing comes out. correct.

relationship hassle or wad..

damn shit..

and i really feel like scolding some idiots now for pulling me in this whole shit quarrel.

damn shit hangover

i dunno what can i do to make my bf see the things i do is already 100% effort.

i cut down alot on meeting my friends this 1 mth plus.. i meet ppl only when they have probs or gatherings.. thats it.

impromptu decision last night.

ting and me went dbl O again. 2 of us! met many people. the usual kakis all never go when we go.. damn shit.. 11pm till 4am endless drinking i guess. totally no comments i guess. then round 2.. we went dragonfly.. drink again. fcuk.. and till 6am.. 6 shots at dbl 0.. fcuk i wonder how i make it too.. but seriously i cut down alot on drinking.. i keep shooing away the alcohol when ppl bring them to me.. know new ppl. go crazy

conclusion.. last night was fun. and last night was crazy. and i reach home at 6 am plus.. now getting hangover. fcuk it..

i am still thinking shd i really go sch find bf later..

i wonder how long can i last like that. what if one day.. i gave up.. no more giving in to the attitude.. what will happen god?

i hope the day don’t come. so hannah hang on..

but if i m hanging on.. i need to cut away all the ties with this activities and all..

kind of a torture.

even my mom never bother with my personal activities..

relationship.. are you more of a hassle or what?